Relationships—aren’t they just magical? Well, in theory, yeah! They’re amazing when everything clicks: you’ve got someone who really gets you, meets your needs, and loves you despite you being far far from perfect. But let’s face it things don’t always go to plan. If you’ve ever planned an event, you’d know this, in fact, if you’ve ever been in a relationship, you’d know this. Life is messy, humans messy, and all that baggage we carry can sometimes throw a wrench in the works. So, does that mean all relationships are doomed? Of course not! But they do take some serious effort to keep them sailing smoothly.
How Does Couples Counselling Work
Psychologist, Peter Morcos, has completed Level 2 of the Gottman Method for couples counselling—a method rooted in observing thousands of real-life relationships. Picture this: researchers watching countless couples in action, pinpointing what keeps them strong and what tears them apart. And guess what? That’s exactly what you’ll dive into during couples therapy. Humans are messy, I’ve said that before right? So, it’s less a matter of finding the perfect human to love and instead learning to work with what you’ve got. This is a really important point, so keep it in mind any time you catch yourself thinking that your partner is defective. One of the foundational principles that lead to a successful relationship is that: your partner is not the problem, and neither are you; you are just two messy people who are learning how live with each other’s needs. Learning how to communicate and meet each other’s needs is therefore the focus of couples counselling and how it improves your relationship.
What Happens in Sessions
The Gottman Method starts with an assessment of the relationship, we briefly explore the story of your relationship and how it has changed. We also assess different aspects of the relationship including trust, closeness, and satisfaction. After the assessment, a game plan is discussed to address the aspects of the relationship that need work. In the treatment phase, the couples talk to each other about what their needs are. At first, these conversations are guided by the therapist as you learn about the things that help and hurt your relationship. As sessions progress the therapist becomes less involved in the conversations.
Initially, the skills and strategies you’ll learn might feel a little ridged as they guide you away from your usual patterns. However, as they become more natural, you’ll find that you lean into them effortlessly. You’ll learn to how to express yourself to your partner without the fear of antagonising them. As conversations become comfortable again, you’ll notice yourself more open to being vulnerable and exploring the aspects of your relationship that have not been talked about.
Indicators to Consider Couples Counselling.
One or better yet four red flags to look out for are the 4 horseman of a relationship, they are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. These were observed by the Gottman lab, as reliable indicators that a relationship would not survive. Another indicator that couples counselling could be helpful, is if you find it hard to feel the warmth and chemistry you two once had. There are many reasons for why that might happen but if you find it hard to bring it up with your partner or you actually have and it hasn’t helped then couple’s therapy can help. One final example is if you find it hard to resolve conflict without hurt feelings.
Quick Tip: Calling out the four horsemen in your partner might sound like a good idea… but its not. It’ll likely come across as criticism and trigger more defensiveness, i.e. making the problem worse. Your best bet is to make sure you’re not doing them yourself.
Just Saying
Something to Try
To end a more positive note, you can aim for 10 to 1 ratio of positive to negative things to say to each other. No that’s not some exaggerated number designed to get you somewhere closer to 5 to 1, you really are aiming for 10 to 1. But rest assured it is easier than you first might think. There are lot of positive things we can say about each other, we can admire positive attributes, we can grateful for help, we can show consideration for a person’s well-being, and we can flat out compliment someone, just to name a few. The best part is that saying nice things to each other works on both giver and the receiver. The receiver, obviously, feels better because they are seen and appreciated but the giver also, feels better because they are now paying attention to the positive things they appreciate about their partner. This doesn’t address deeper issues, but it does help to lighten the atmosphere until those deeper issues are addressed. So start it today.